Chapter1- What is service
Chapter 2- Types of service
Chapter 3- How to accept service
Chapter 4- How can service help you?
Chapter 5- Communication, Needs/Wants/Desires
Comment by Ed Moore
Research service on the internet and you will get very little information in regard to the BDSM lifestyle. Look up spanking, age play, role play, or other kinks and you will find a plethora of websites with a bounty of information. So why am I writing about service? It’s my passion and my niche. I have always been service orientated but about 7 years ago and it became my main interest and passion.
My name is ally sin. What qualifies me to tell you about service? Absolutely nothing but a desire to serve and help others. I am no better than anyone else.
I entered into the scene 17 years ago while surfing the web. What I read called to me, drew me in, and made me feel like I wasn’t alone. The years since then and now have been a roller coaster ride. I started with learning to make toys and giving some of them away. Then I learned about whips which is still my passion to this day. Finding that few knew how to repair whips I set out to learn how to make them there by learning how to repair them. It’s how I serve the community. About 8 years ago I started going to kink events and my learning curve sky rocketed. About the same time I discovered service. Eventually I was serving select people at events which was pure heaven to me. I have been collared to Ed Moore, a gay male, since June 2010.
In this article I refer to a female sub and a male dominant. This is my dynamic but not the only one. Please insert what you have in your relationship.
What is Service?
When we say service do we mean? Is it sexual or non-sexual? Is it all the time or part time? Exactly what are we talking about? Service is what we decide it is for us. It’s an act we do for others. In my relationship service is non-sexual and non-sceneing. I keep my Sir’s schedule at events, make sure his living quarters are neat along with his clothes, act as his gopher, and assist him when he presents or plays. I love to serve him without his knowledge but he always notices. I also provide companionship. This is how service has evolved for us. Remember, nothing in life is constant so allow your relationship to grow and change.
The why of service is complicated. Although many submissives enjoy service as a kink, we all need to get something out of our efforts. A sub giving service without gaining something will suffer a short life. The reward can be as simple as the dominant letting them know they are appreciated. Some get play time in exchange for service. For others it is being taken care of. A person will eventually stop performing an act without compensation, be it either mentally, spiritually, physically, or monetarily. This is an important concept if you ever have someone serve you. The bare minimum is saying thank you.
Remember the maid Alice from the Brady Bunch , Rosie on the Jetsons, Andrew in Overboard, or Lurch from The Addam’s Family? How about Alfred on Batman? These people provide an excellent example of service to their families in a symbiotic relationship. How they provided service was defined between them and the people they served. Each was unique.
But why even provide a service? Service subs tend to be a rarity yet anyone can serve. For some, such as myself, service is a calling. If I see a service I can provide someone I feel compelled to give that service or become very agitated. It’s a desire to make someone happy. For others it’s something their master desires for them to perform. Doing service you enjoy is a big help towards doing a good job. It’s my belief if you give someone a task they enjoy they do a much better job and are happier in the long run. Now not all services may be enjoyed. I hate housework but mixing housework with tasks I do enjoy makes the housework easier to do.
Types of Service:
There is a multitude of services that can be provided to someone else.
– Formal Dinner Service – Chauffeur – Virtual Assistant – Housekeeping/Cooking – Laundry – Major Domo – Boot Blackening – Scheduler – Contact person/Secretary – Sexual Services – Sceneing – Yard Work – Research – Adjunct – Assist presenting or playing
These are just a few of the possible services that can be provided. Which ones you have in your relationship are yours specifically and uniquely. What services are provided can also change from year to year. What I do now is vastly different from what it used to be years ago. The services can change from time of year. Yard work isn’t much needed during the winter. Services also change with the venue. What services you provide at the house is certainly different than at an event where a higher protocol may be desired. Services provided definitely change by the person you are serving. At events I serve Ed by ironing his clothes, boot blackening, scheduling, making sure he drinks and eats, assisting him in presentations, and helping when he plays with others. A sub may even be loaned out to someone within the confines of the negotiated relationship. This is deemed a great honor to the person receiving the service and is highly prized I may serve others at events on a different basis such as whip repair, massages, or teaching. I am very good at whips plus whip repair and people go to my Sir requesting my help with their whips. Since Ed is aware of my passion for whips he most likely will approve of lending out my services. He gets to help another dominant, I get to play with someone else’s whips, and they get the help they need. Everyone wins in the end. This is but one example.
A large part of service is having good powers of observation and a better than average memory. With these two abilities you can amaze and mystify your friends. Here are a few examples to explain what I mean.
At a high protocol event at a private residence I was asked to serve as a house sub. About a dozen dominants were there with their subs. Some I had known for a few years. I was asked to bring a tray of deserts for them to pick from. I offered one particular dom I knew several non-chocolate choices. When queried why I didn’t offer him the prized chocolate pieces I explained he had mentioned two years before his dislike of chocolate. I had stored the information away and acted on it.
At a kinky cookout a dominant friend of mine was standing, juggling his plate and silverware, while eating. I observed his lack of a napkin and the imminent need he would have of one. By the time he started looking for a napkin I was standing next to him holding a napkin out to him. He was so impressed he nicknamed me Radar.
At another event I had walked through one of the social areas on my way to the cabin of the dominant I was informally serving. As I was straightening his living area another cabin mate came in asking if anyone had seen her husband. I had noticed him in one of the social area tents conversing with another dominant on my way over and told her so. I even told her who he was talking to.
All three of these examples show the importance of observation and memory. The observation needs to be more than just what you are doing or interacting with. It should encompass all of your senses and your entire environment. Unique details about people can be stored in your memory. If your memory isn’t what it used to be, keep a pad of paper with you and write things down. Whatever works best for you is what is right for you.
Another type of service is silent service. This is serving unobtrusively. You strive to accomplish tasks unseen, unheard, and timely. I was introduced to this style of service by Ed years before I started serving him when I attended his class on silent service at an event. The class began with him in the back of the room with a tray holding a glass of water. Ed made a big ruckus as he made his way to the front of the room where the recipient of the water awaited. He proceeded to make a big theatrical bow several times while announcing in his booming voice that he had brought his mistress her water in a perfect glass, that everyone could see how good a sub he was. One would have to know Ed to understand how out of character this was. After the class stopped laughing he explained how signals could be used to direct staff or call for a drink. I later talked to him about formal service and he suggested using a shirt with bells pinned all over it to practice silent service skills at home. If you move and can hear the bells, you need to work on being more graceful.
So now you are serving but want to do more. How do you go about it? Here is where you need to apply your powers of observation. What is your dominant doing that you could do or what could you do to assist him? At events I saw how my Sir was always in demand or late somewhere so I started keeping his schedule and tapping my watch when he needed to be somewhere else. From there I started scheduling his play dates, reminding him of people he promised to play with, and looking for potential play dates for him. Think out of the box! Who knew when I started serving Sir I would become his girl? Did I mention he is a gay male and I’m his het female sub? But it works!
Maybe you desire to take over his correspondence, Consider learning calligraphy and brushing up on your English. There is nothing worse than poor grammar or misspelled words. How about learning to do formal diner service? Not everyone has a service sub’s heart but all of us have the ability to learn and do more. You just have to learn to put someone else before yourself.
I would like to interject a small word of caution. Service subs are often taken advantage of. Our desire to help others will often cloud our vision. Some view our desire to help as payment enough for services rendered, feeling words of praise or gratitude are a waste. Do not sell yourself short. No matter who you are or what you’ve done, everyone needs to feel appreciated. A service sub will stop serving if they feel it is a one way street. A dominant that is remiss in showing how much service is appreciated will not have a service sub for long. I have stopped serving more than one dominant for this very reason.
Some more ideas on expanding services-
Correspondence-take calligraphy lessons Laundry- Learn about the best stain removal methods Scheduler- Learn to plan efficiently and time management Dinner service- Learn how to set a formal table service at different protocol levels and how to serve guests. Cook- Take cooking lessons especially in the cuisine your dominant enjoys Sexual- Study how to please your dominant in different ways Toy Maintenance- Learn to care for leather, metal, ect Research- Become familiar with computers and various programs such as Office Yard Work-Learn the best way to maintain a yard and improve it Major Domo- In charge of the house including finances. Learn accounting programs Boot Blackening- Take classes to learn techniques and to build your own boot black kit.
To expand your services all you need is some creativity, fortitude, and the desire to try something different. When I started serving Ed I mainly served him at kink events. He was also in charge of ambiance for some of these events. I quickly became involved in helping him with that too.
How to Accept Service
To a dominant, having the services of a sub seems like a pretty sweet deal if you can get it. Just sit back and relax while you take it all in. You are a god with an adoring subject. Seems a little over the top? This may be someone’s ideal complete with a hammock, a drink in hand, and don’t forget the nude sub fanning you from the heat. But the real and ideal often collide. Who takes out the trash?
Accepting service is often difficult for people. We are taught from the time we are born to be independent. First we start walking so we don’t have to rely on someone else to tote us around. Then we learn to feed ourselves so no one has to do that for us. Next is learning to read and write. We learn to drive so we become even more independent. Everything we are taught leads us to become more independent. Every step we take in life leads us to greater self-reliance. You’re also a dominant which means you prefer to be in control. But now you want to enjoy the services of a sub. You have to be able to allow them to serve you. You have to allow yourself to depend on them on some level. You have to allow yourself to give up some control. Giving control to the sub seems exactly opposite to the dominant person you discovered and nurtured inside yourself. Hopefully I can change your mind.
This is far from an easy task. Back to how I serve Ed. We were at an event and he had brought a drink down from his room. When he finished the drink I tried to take the glass from him. Ed balked at this explaining he would hold onto the glass and return it to the room himself. I looked him in the eye and determinedly told him I was his service sub so he had to allow me to serve him. Ed grudgingly gave me the glass. This is a dominant that teaches silent service yet was also having a difficult time accepting service. I give him great kudos in his advancement in this area. For many relationships it takes persistence on the sub’s part to train the dominant that it’s okay to be served. It doesn’t take away from their domliness. If doesn’t change the dynamics of the relationship. Service actually enhances it.
Having a service sub means they want to serve. In fact they crave to serve. All you have to do is let them follow their natural desires. If you still have problems allowing yourself to be served start with something small. For example, allow the sub to shine your boots. This can be a very intimate and sensual activity. Sit back and enjoy it. See the love and pride in the sub’s eyes. Notice how great your boots now look. Have pride in their accomplishments. Yes, pride. You can take pride in the results of a sub’s service. When someone mentions your great looking boots you can proudly say you have a good sub. Don’t forget to voice how pleased you are to the sub too.
Some dominants may consider the services of a sub to be a hardship on the sub. It’s added work they could do themselves. This couldn’t be further from the truth for a service sub. They crave and desire the chance to serve. Most likely a sub who enjoys serving will go above and beyond what is asked. Part of the reason is to please the dominant but it equally satisfies the needs of the sub. An equally beneficial relationship is created on both sides.
Although I have said the dominant has to give up some control to the sub when he is served that is not always the case. Do you have certain tasks you want done? Delegate!! In the beginning you may need to monitor the progress to some degree but as the sub proves themselves accomplished at the work you can lessen the overseeing to a minimum.
How can Service Help You?
Service can help a dominant in almost every area of their lives. Some of these have been mentioned already such as housekeeping, boot blackening, and yard work. How about the day to day rituals that are service orientated? Consider a sub’s daily routine of making a cup of coffee , placing it by the bed, and gently waking the dominant. This is equally a ritual and a service. Or a service that became a ritual.
A serving sub should not be considered an extra work load for a dominant to manage. This service should not be considered a chore or work for you. The degree to which a sub serves a dom is a mutually agreed upon level. It’s what works for that relationship. If either side feels the service is creating more work than the service provides then they should seriously re-examine what they are attempting to accomplish. What this means is the result should exceed the work to get there. Service should be a joy, a benefit. It should be pleasurable for both parties. I find great joy in serving Ed.
Providing you can ignite a desire to serve in your sub, the possibilities for them to serve are endless. I started out serving dominants at events by keeping their clothes organized and assisting them when they played with others. Who wouldn’t like coming back to their room and finding all their clothes put away and wrinkled clothes ironed? Who wouldn’t love to play with someone while a service sub hands them toys they require, takes used toys, and cleans everything up afterwards while they have after care? This evolved into managing play dates. Then to manage daily schedule, to building living areas in front of cabins, to creating a 5 star setting for formal dinner, and more. This progress for me was over the course of more than one dominant and many years. I built on what worked for me. I kept learning and looking for ways to serve. A dominant can have a hand in this by directing the sub to areas where either work is needed and/or desired.
I have always contended a person works best when they enjoy the work. So think hard and honestly about what you are asking. Is the service you desire from your sub something they would either enjoy doing or not mind doing? This is walking a fine line for many dominants and submissives. So often it is mistakenly assumed it’s all about the dominant and their needs. Some even believe that if a sub is happy then the dominant is doing something wrong. If I am unhappy doing something then eventually I will stop doing it no matter how much the dominant likes it. I am not talking about an occasional task but one required on a more consistent basis.
Let me give you an example, Say Sir Alpha, whom I serve , wants housekeeping in a maid’s outfit and high heels every day. Some subs would relish this chore. I would do it under extreme duress.(maybe ) I am not into wearing uniforms and I definitely never wear high heels. So right away there is a conflict which could undermine the relationship. Oh, and although I really do hate housework it would be the uniform and heels I would balk at.
A dominant needs to learn to understand their needs and if the sub serving him is willing and capable of fulfilling those needs. Sometimes a simple adjustment will resolve a conflict and produce huge benefits for both sides. Being a stubborn dom who refuses to budge on what they demand doesn’t make you a strong dom, but just possibly a single dom. Of course, this goes both ways. Subs should also be willing to stretch their comfort zones to try new things. Keep what works for you, discard what doesn’t work.
I can’t stress communication enough in a healthy relationship. I will be the first to admit I have fallen short in this area many times with disastrous results. Maybe that is why I now stress its importance. I have pursued a relationship for many months before honestly talking to the dominant about what they were looking for. He desired a sub serving him to move in with him sans kids and to give complete control to him including her pay check. This crossed two lines which are very hard limits to me. My kids are my life and will always be in my life. Second I had previous bad experiences with men taking advantage of me and my income. I vowed that would never happen again.
If I had communicated with him early in the relationship this incompatibility would have surfaced before I had spent a great amount of time, energy, and money to foster a doomed dynamic. In his defense he never hid what he was looking for. The failure to communicate was on my side. I do not regret the time I spent with him since he did teach me many things which made me grow and learn.
The first step in communication is in knowing what you need. Although this is an article on service, you have to learn to communicate. Communication techniques can be applied to all aspects of our lives both kinky and vanilla. A need is a basic requirement you have to have; it’s the minimum you can accept. Needs encompass many areas of our lives from housing, food, a job, and more. Kink wise the need could be to find a dominant or submissive. Sounds simple but consider a switch. Would a switch be a consideration to what you are looking for? Do you want the opposite sex, same sex, or does it even matter? I started knowing I wanted a het male dominant. I currently serve a gay male dominant. My basic need for a dominant to serve changed as I grew and matured. You have to be willing to think outside the box to find ways to fulfill your needs. And honestly, it took just as much ability for Ed to consider me as a sub as for me to consider him. When we examined the possibility we saw our desires complimented each other. We became open to the chance someone we didn’t expect to be right, was right.
Needs can be as specific as you want them to be or as general as you want them to be. It’s a starting point to determine your minimum needs. One of my needs is to serve a dominant. Needs don’t have to be elaborate or life and death contingent. I simply am looking for a dominant to serve. My advice is to keep the need column broad. We’ll become more specific soon enough.
The next step is discovering your wants. A want is simply how you would like a need to be fulfilled. We will keep with my need example. I need to serve someone. I want that need fulfilled by someone in a long term relationship. I expanded on my needs to how I would prefer that need fulfilled. A want is not necessary to my life. It is how I prefer my need to be realized.
The final step is desire. This further extrapolates the need from the want of how I prefer the need to be fulfilled to the desire of how the need would be realized in my perfect world. I started with a need of finding a dominant I can serve. From there I moved to wanting it to be a long term relationship. Now I have to expand the want to become my ultimate. I desire this person to be my life mate/ soul mate. My ultimate wish would be my desire column.
Needs/Wants/Desires change over time. You need to be constantly re-evaluating them to see if they still represent your life and wishes. I know over the last ten years mine have changed dramatically. Some new ones emerged, some went away, and others were altered or updated. Here’s an example of what a needs/wants/desires list may look like.
|Someone to serve||It becomes a LTR||The person is my life mate/soul mate|
|Shelter||A farmette||To own it|
|Produce an income||Have a job I like||To become financially secure|
|Live a BDSM lifestyle||To live it with someone else||To give back to the community together|
Needs Wants Desires Someone to serve It becomes a LTR The person is my life mate/soul mate Shelter A farmette To own it Produce an income Have a job I like To become financially secure Live a BDSM lifestyle To live it with someone else To give back to the community together
Communication is mandatory in any relationship and service definitely requires a relationship. If you do not know what you need or where you want to go how on Earth can you know if a relationship is right for you? Now I am the first to say I failed miserably at this in the years past. I knew I wanted something and willing agreed to whatever anyone wanted hoping to stumble across what may work. I want to spare you the wasted time and pain that produces.
So where do you go from here? You have learned that service is, how it is defined, and what constitutes service. We went over several types of service. What you can do to be of service and expanding on the service you do now. For the dominants we discovered accepting service and learning to do it gracefully. We also touched on how service can help a dominant make their lives easier. Lastly we talked about how communication is mandatory and how knowing your needs/wants/desires will help you communicate better. If any of what was discussed here appeals to you, all or parts, then by all means use it. Each relationship’s dynamics is unique to that relationship and none other.
I can’t tell you exactly what to do but I can say the service I provide fulfills me greatly. I am lucky but it took time and effort to get where I am now. Service is a huge learning process that never ends. What you do for others must be researched and dedicated to learning. I wanted to set a 5 star dinner service. That meant learning what a 5 star service setting entails and recreating it down to learning how to fold napkins different ways. It included learning to serve, honing my powers of observation, and actively responding to the needs of others. Service can be exhausting and it most assuredly can be very rewarding.
Comment by Ed Moore
From the Dom: Service is not always easy to take, My Girl is right, we had a learning curve, but one of the things I learned even before Ally became my Girl is the art of Saying thank you. Yes I know she is my submissive, but I also know I am not a junk collector (that’s my spouse’s role) and I think I am a better service Dom by showing appreciation.
Appreciation can be as simple as a smile, or a thank you, or can be something quiet like taking her arm when walking down a sloping path.
A good Dom is a well-mannered Dom. And a real thank you, I hope, goes a long way!