Giving Control
Why do i fear giving control?
i don’t know. i wear my inability to feel like a shroud, a cloak, a protection from the outside world. With it i can not be hurt. When made to feel i go on automatic defenses….i fight back. i am pissed someone has tried to get over my defenses and i will not lose….i must win to survive. i can not feel or i will be hurt. It’s a non thinking time…one of the few for me. It’s a contest…and i will not break. The mere thought of giving control terrorizes me. Why? Vulnerability, helplessness…..loss of control….loss of identity. Loss of me. i pride myself on my ability not to feel. i know..not exactly smart, it’s who i am. It’s like holding back all the old feelings and fearing being swept away with the tidal wave of them if i let go…of disappearing…drowning.
my inner voice acts to distract me. When i start to feel i start thinking and before i know it the feeling is gone, like chalk off a board. Why do i have such a problem? i have always prided myself on my ability to live without help…to survive. Giving control would end that…i have to depend on someone else. This independence is interwoven through out me…to lose that, what would be left of me?i know…it’s not that big a deal. i guess it’s allowing someone else parts of me that i have hidden….sheltered. The thought of doing it terrorizes me….if i could only get past the screaming warnings going off in my head from imagining it. i turn cold..imcan’t think…mymind races. i freeze. i know this dialog doesn’t help…but i am trying to describe what goes on in my head. Then nothing…..i am in control again…i don’t feel…..like a switch turned off. i find it hard to return to imagining giving control. Usually if i wait a few minutes i can attempt it again. What started this? Most likely my parents although i hate saying it was all the parent’s fault. As kids my sisters adn i just about had to grow up by ourselves. i don’t call this abuse although i have been told by others it was negligence. we were fed and clothed. Affection was minimal. Attention was rare. We depended on ourselves. During trips when one parent left us on the train to be caught at the other end by the other parent, it was me that directed the other two….protected them i suppose. i felt no fear at any of this. It had to be done. Even now i can just about go anywhere and not fear. For good or bad i am me. Did this start me on controlling everything inside me? Got me. Nothing bad ever happened to us. None of us smoke and none of us drink to excess ( through no fault of our parents). i started this when i was in 3rd grade…how do i know?
Yes…got a tizzy now..full force. All excuses…well life is full of damned excuses. You can’t say it’s all excuses. i was to find out WHY….that it has to go back to something…some reason…now i’m told it’s only a fucking excuse? Why did i go and look then? Am i tired of this behavior? i have been battling that question for a long time. i pride myself on me….i don’t feel. No one can touch me…i am inpenetrable. If i give that up i am like the multitude of other weak females. A no one. One of my biggest emotional battles is convincing myself that in feeling i will not disappear…to become nothing. All the fighting myself, refusing to give control…..and other stuff are all centered on this one issue. i will always win as long as i don’t feel…..i will always be stronger. i will always remain untouched. i haven’t any idea if i want to change…if i desire to be different than i am now. i just know i can’t do it.Excuses or not i can’t give control and i can’t feel. It’s what i know and it’s what i feel safe with. To me there’s nothing else…nothing detrimental because i have known nothing else. i can’t take a step towards something…it’s a void and i can’t go into a void. i would be vulnerable and at too much of a disadvantage. i couldn’t control it. i know..back to the problem. It’s a vicious cycle. i feel safe here. Why would i want to leave safety and familiarity? i am most likely wrong as usual with my thinking. Back to the negative thoughts, eh? Tizzies do that to me and that is Your fault!
Okay….decision. i stack the deck to make myself more comfortable. i don’t like being at a disadvantage, and i don’t like not being in control. So obviously i am not ready to change and give control. Shit, i’m a controller for a living. i don’t trust so giving control for me is hard. i was to find out why i am like this..i don’t know and i’m no closer to finding out why it’s hard for me. Guess i’ll continue this later..Gary home
i’m more confused now than before. Last night when LadyH was given control of me…and said some things….i was extremely angry. i’m not sure if that was Her intent or not. i was pissed. Maybe it wasn’t to One i wanted to give it to? That really shouldn’t be a factor i guess. i resorted to deep breathing. i never noticed it before. SirSensei thought i was holding my breath, i wasn’t for once but then again He was only tying some rope. i suck in my breath and force it back out…my respiration barely noticeable. It’s not easy and can’t be maintianed for long either. Then again i could be imagining it altogether. i did hold my breath occasionally that night also. Relax? You got to be kidding me! Right now i am so tight and tense i feel like an over wound spring. A tizzy is obvious….LOL.
That i would feel….i know. That it kills me and i can’t think any more. i can’t get past the unreasonable terror to think of a consequence.