Enticing to submission versus beating her to it
Recently i have had the joy of chatting to a Dom in California. Married for over 12 years with one child, He is trying to find His way in the lifestyle. After talking to Him for a short time i was able to see how He had gone wrong and scared His wife from becoming His sub.
He had been heavy handed, had tried using His greater strength to make Him her Master. Working on forcing her to be His sub. What happened was she was scared, she felt forced, pushed, and none of it was voluntary. It ended any hope He had for a D/s life for over a year. His wife wanted none of it where before she had shown signs of being receptive to becoming His sub.
i talked to Him about approaching this from a different perspective. Instead of using what i call the Neanderthal approach of brute force, i suggested using the mind, to entice her to become what He wants. So it becomes more her wanting to be there rather than Him making her be there. This was a complete reversal of what He had done and what others had advised Him to do. He slowly came to understand it was better to provide positive reinforcement rather than punishment.
Let me expand some on this. Somewhere i read in a story how a house with many slaves asking new slaves what talents they had and what they enjoyed doing. When she asked why they wanted to know since she was just a slave, the reply was that a person worked hardest and more diligently doing a task they have an aptitude for and an interest in. The owner obtained increased valuable work from the slave and the slave was happier. It made complete sense to me.
Now take that idea a step further, getting a person to be where you want them to be because they want to be there…not that they are dragged and prodded there. One way guarantees the slave to be there, the other has the slave there as long as you continue to sit on her. Make sense?
Now, i added something i learned in college in a psych class. The professor told us a story about when he was in grad school and was assisting his professor in teaching a class. Before the professor entered the 500 seat classroom, the grad student instructed the students to pay rapt attention and take plenty of notes when the professor walked toward the front of the stage. When the professor walked to the back of the stage the students were to make a lot of chatter, shuffle paper, sigh, look around…pay no attention to the professor. The students did exactly as instructed during the class and quickly had the professor standing with his toes overhanging the stage edge.
They made the professor do as they wanted while he had no knowledge of it. All through positive incentive. They rewarded his good behavior ( walking to the front of the stage) and reacted to his bad behavior ( ignoring him in the back of the stage)
It is that type of actions that will have a sub precisely where her Dom wants her to be. And she’s there because she wants to be, not because she was dragged there. She has worked to be there and wants to be there so she will continue to work to stay there. She will look for ways to remain where she wants to be. Now isn’t that better than a sub that is afraid or looking for the first exit?
One thing you can not overlook is the fact that a Dom has to know where He wants His sub to go before He can send her there. The end result has to be kept in sight. But i don’t mean the path has to be the straight and narrow. It will have twists and turns, it will slow down and speed up, it will even backtrack once in a while. But all that doesn’t matter when the end result over the long run is getting closer to the final destination. Most of the progress will be baby steps. Enjoy this time, this growing phase. Don’t rush to get to the final destination too fast. The path is what should be embrased, revel in the growing, the flowering of a relationship, the evolving of both sub and Dom. Even sit back and enjoy what is now. Don’t push. This is where all of what i was talking about before comes into play. Don’t force things, draw the submission out of the sub.
Each sub is different just as the Dom is different and the goals are different. Finding the path is unique to each relationship. i can’t say how to do achieve goals. i can suggest communicating, stating expectations, standing by Your rules, and having a goal as the first steps. Try listening not hearing, try seeing not looking. Actively watch and understand what makes her tick and use that to Your advantage. To draw her to You to the point she would never consider leaving.
i told CADom a story the other day that helped Him see baby steps was best to enticing His wife to Him.
Years ago we bred one of our mares and got a colt. Roy was a gorgeous foal, cute, friendly, and a handful. my daughter worked with Roy every day. She started out just touching him, getting him used to brushing, having his feet picked, things like that. Eventually she got to a point over the years to place a blanket on his back which led to a saddle which led to a bridle. It wasn’t fast but a slow process. There were setbacks but she delt with what came up and kept working with him. She got him to even walk over blue plastic. When he was almost two she could lunge him with a bridle and saddle on. It took time but he accepted practically everything she did to him.
The day came she would ride Roy. She saddled him up and got the bridle on him. i gave my daughter a leg and she gingerly sat in the saddle. Roy did absolutely nothing. He had been worked with so often that this was nothing to him. my daughter gave him a little leg pressure and she walked off down the driveway on her freshly broke gelding.
Now picture if she hadn’t worked with her foal every day for two years. If she went cold turkey to the foal and threw a saddle on him, forced a bit in his mouth, and jumped on his back i don’t believe the end result would have been the same. It was the baby steps she took with the horse that made him such a fantastic horse and a pleasure to ride.
It was the baby steps that did a lot. But it also was getting he horse used to being in certain conditions. It also made a horse that liked to be handled. Today i had to go out and untangle him from the woven wire fencing for the second day in a row. He wants to jump the fence there instead of going through the opening 5 feet from him. He stood there until someone came to help him. i wasn’t even home when he did this. He waits for someone to gently raise his hoof and get the wire out from around him. If he had struggled he would have been injured severely. But he knew to trust us and wait.
i hope i have been of some help and my words make a difference to some.